I’ve been reading the bible. Slowly, and just the New Testament. I had a moment yesterday, no, two days ago, on the phone with Tripp. We were having a lovely chat, and the conversation turned towards God and the 100Things Project. He brought up _The Meditation Book_ and some immense wave of fear filled my soul. I think it was the most powerful and acute sense of fear I can remember feeling since I was a child.   --- I have been doing a bad job making space to introspect, to pray, to meditate, and to write. All of these things have the effect of clarifying my vision and also propelling me towards a higher energy state. I’m not sure why it has been so difficult to even try. In some sense, I’m afraid, for sure. Afraid of what? I think the fear is realizing there is nothing there. It’s not that I will encounter monsters. It’s that I _won’t_.   --- Recently there has been a feeling that it’s time to ask what I’m working towards. Maybe not yet. But somehow I feel closer to the true fabric of life than I ever have. It’s not so euphoric. It’s quite normal. In fact, I remember when I was going insane I imagined how blissful it might be to feel exactly how I feel right now. I was right, it’s nice. It’s not blissful, however, because that sort of implies a strong sense of ease or contentment. This is a state devoid of strong feelings, mostly. So what do I think? What am I working towards? I think it’s always going to funnel back towards the fundamental questions. As I write this, there is a candle burning next to the Bible on my nightstand beside me. I made this candle at a class with my mom in Chicago. It’s a great candle and I’m proud of it. Magnolia and Patchouli if I remember correctly. And good scents manage to spin up thoughts for me. Feelings. Visions, even. The vision now is that of creation.  I do also think about power. I think there is a thin line to walk between living for power in this life and living for communion with Life. I think both are important and I’m interested in this but I am wary of ceilings. This feels like a ceiling. To posit that there is a boundary between the two implies a limit to what one can achieve in life and in Life. Perhaps both can be obtained.  The question is also about why I’m not feeling confident that the correct work is being done. Work is being done, but not directionally along the correct lines, mostly, I think. I’m intentionally avoiding “I want” statements because they feel so awful.  “I am” statements are better. Away from “I want to be great at math” and towards “I am interested in learning more math”. This is crucial, somehow. To want is always wrong because it implies you do not already have. And if the universe is deterministic then I am already in possession of all that I will ever be in possession of.  On determinism, my stance has developed. At one point this thought caused serious internal pain. The fact that I may be on tram lines headed to death was frightening. Now, I find relief in it. It’s still best not to linger too much about it. It’s best to be grateful for that shift.  Perhaps it’s always a problem of boredom. Because I have achieved all that I truly wanted to achieve, but my dreams have not been so large. But one cannot simply expand the size of their dreams. To will for a greater dream is just a desire disguised as growth. It doesn’t work. No, dreams come to you, as they do when you sleep, the reuse of language in these two domains is important. Dreams visit you and they come at their will.  I am of the belief that nothing is to be forced and nothing is to be wanted beyond everything.  And I am interested in manifesting everything. Manifesting… A bastardized word. To me manifestation is simply the deliberate sending of energy (attention) towards some object only realized in consciousness.  A brief interlude on time. Time is another aspect here worth considering. One truly cannot escape the infinite present.  My soul is drawn to mysticism always, even without my mind. In a sense I do believe that I have a uniquely strong connection to _something_ divine, but this doesn’t make me anything other than anyone else. Luckier, perhaps. But we are all of the same substance. My conscious recognition of the tunnel between me and Them is just… nothing. A void. A vacuous space that I populate with anthropomorphized figures to guide me. The archetypal leader appears to me as a way to give form to it and I follow him. That is all. The tension that arises in my life is simply a dimensionality reduction.  **Dimensionality reduction**: The process of taking an infinite space and reducing it to a finite space in which one can create the illusion of control.  _Properties of a Dimensionality Reduction:_ 1. A stronger felt sense of individuality 2. A felt sense of a smaller imagination 3. A friction when attempting to take action 4. Malaise, Ennui, Boredom 5. Etc… 100Things is a project along this line of thought. Lines of thought. That’s an interesting idea. Some thoughts have a line into the future, like orienting a flashlight towards an open window after scanning a brick wall. You think by moving this flashlight across the surface and these thoughts (light rays) stop at the wall. Then the flashlight reaches a window and you see into the open, but even then, because of the shape of the window you still have a limited perspective. Perhaps there are infinite number of windows and the process of thinking better just refers to repositioning oneself in the room and being better at moving the flashlight. Being better at moving the flashlight sort of looks like moving faster across the wall. I am not sure, just coming up with this analogy as I write.  In any event, the path is always clear, so we will end with some “I am” statements: - I am interested in continuing into the next phase of 100Things by more directly engaging with the 78 elements I have already found.  - I am interested in studying the Bible and trying to live Christ-like, in a sense - I am interested in building my body, and finding the most efficient and simple way to do so that has at least a bit of elegance or spiritual component - I am interested in The Meditation Book